The Fairness Doctrine and global warming

Today, in compliance with the Fairness Doctrine, this blog will be presenting opposing views from my new sock puppet Larry the Liberal.

Me: Man, it's getting cold. I hate winter!

Larry: The earth is warming up, though.

Me: You know the clock is ticking on another Ice Age, right?

Larry: I'm sure you're wrong, but even if there is an Ice Age it will be because of us. All catastrophes are due to global warming and man's evil production of carbon.

Me: Dude, life is based on carbon! Oh yeah, you're not alive.... Well, guess what gas makes all the lovely green plants grow?

Larry: I worship plants and I'm green, but I fail to see your point.

Me: You look white to me. The more CO2, the more plant growth, and the greener our environment becomes.

Larry: Carbon is evil. See, it says right here in the Bible...

Me: That's not the Bible, that's Al Gore's book! How about water vapor, which is way more of a greenhouse gas? Should we get rid of that too?

Larry: If it helps to change the climate.

Me: It would change the climate all right. You do realize that a lot of this green stuff is designed to give more power to the government, build political careers, redistribute wealth globally, and funnel more of our money into big corporations that play along and provide new eco-friendly products that we're forced to buy to replace the ones we already have, don't you?

Larry: What's wrong with giving the government more power if it's for our own good?

Me: You're not afraid of creeping tyranny and socialism? Big Brother? Kyoto? NPR?

Larry: I only fear global warming. Most other evils stem from it.

Me: This Fairness Doctrine is even worse than I heard. It's like a messed-up echo, or schizophrenia, or a Socratic Dialogue, or that one show on Fox News. It's hard to hear myself think.

Larry: We must eliminate all carbon emissions by 2012.

Me: How about breath? Will exhaling be illegal too?

Larry: We must cap and trade. Hey, isn't that an incandescent light bulb up there? I'm afraid I'll have to report this!

Me: Neighbors will be turning each other in. First they came for the light bulb users, then the SUV drivers, then the people who used too much toilet paper, and then they came for me, and there was no one left to...

Larry: Can you dial 911 for me? I can't reach the phone.

Me: OK, forget it. So much for the Fairness Doctrine.

My wife: What are you doing with that sock and those matches?

Me: I'm doing my part to help get us through the next Ice Age.